Our Marriage Matters Seminar was incredible. On Friday night, Pastors Steve and Sharon began answering some of your questions. Below are the answers to the questions that weren't answered Friday night.
1. What do you do when your husband doesn't listen?
a. Start with earnest prayer. The Holy Spirit can do what you can't.
b. Continue to improve yourself. A healthy marriage setting is not one of simply seeing the other partner as the sole guilty party. Improving yourself and working to serve and love your spouse can be one the greatest motivators to help them want to list and hear what you have to say.
c. Consider your surroundings. Maybe it is not that your husband doesn't want to listen but that timing, environment, etc. were off. Consider these factors before coming to the conclusion that you husband isn't listening. It could be every time you approaching your spouse that it worked for you but not him! If things still don't work, consider asking him what forum would be a comfortable place/environment for them to talk in.
d. Listen to him instead of just talking to him. Ask him where you lost him. Where did the communication breakdown? trace your steps backwards as you may have said something that closed him off.
2. How do you have a fair fight?
Start with the end in mind, the restoration of intimacy, not the resolution or the issue. Don't bring up past arguments that have nothing to do with this one - stick to one issue at a time. It is important to not accuse in the conversation. Accusation can cause the other person to be defensive. Talking about your feelings and channeling the conversation through that route can really help improve the atmosphere of the "fight."Be the first to say sorry and say it quickly. Don't try to win, it's not a competition. Be kind and prefer your spouse. Seek to understand more than be understood.
3. How do we strengthen a step-family/blended family?
Don't assume too much of a role in your step children's lives too soon. Let them give you permission. Love each other and take time to get to know them. Counseling may very well be necessary. Leave room for everybody to acclimate and adjust. Let people know it is ok to feel the feelings that they feel but make sure all know that the family is committed to one another. Find other couples who have done it well and talk to them. Lastly, consider creating/starting up new traditions, fun things to help the family grow and make new memories.
4. How do I know when I've found the right person to marry?
Dating is the time to learn about each other and ask questions. Does this person make me better. Challenge me to love God more? Do they love Jesus with all their heart? Are they easy to be with? Prayer is also a key factor along with seeking council of leadership and accountability partners.
5. What do you do when you no longer find your spouse physically attractive?
Make sure you aren't looking at other people and comparing (lust, porn, etc.). Physical attraction can follow a decision to love someone. Speak to their beauty and potential. Pray to see more in them. Keep your standards fair and something you are rising to.
Consider if this is the "movie or a photo" in the relationship. Maybe it has been a stressful season - see if you can ease their load some. It's amazing what some of these little elements can do to help a a person in this area. When you see behavior or changes that you appreciate be sure to praise, celebrate and reward them.
6. Our marriage feels more like a friendship. Very little romance. How do we rekindle the fire with so much stress?
If you are in this place, understand relationships have seasons. Understand that this season will pass. Begin to put seeds in the relationship that better position you to reap a "harvest" of romance.
Talk honestly but with grace. Focus on their love languages. Serve them well. As you put your partner first it creates an atmosphere that is more conducive romance. Do the little things - write letters, send texts, give gifts for no reason. Don't assume they know how you feel. Tell them you love them and that you are thinking about them. Make sure regular dates are happening. Be intentional. Purse one another.
